Ok, so my family and I went to visit DH's family and some of our friends from Ohio this past August. It was a good trip and we all had a good time. When I was there, I was already down...oh, just under 50 lbs by then since March. I felt good and thought I looked pretty good.
Other than a few of my friends, no one in Jon's family really said anything. I figured, well, I have a long way to go, so yeah, no big deal.
Fast forward to this weekend. Jon and I arrive in Ohio again for a family funeral and I have heard so much gushing about how great I look, how beautiful I look.
At first, I thought, I haven't lost that much since August. (Ok, it's close to 20 more pounds...)
But, when I looked at pictures from the wedding, I was like, Oh MY GOD! I look totally different than I did in August.
I accepted all the compliments with grace and a smile and a big thank you.
And, I felt really good.
I still have a long way to go--and the past few weeks have had me fighting with the same 3 to 5 pounds, but I'm still going in the right direction.
The entire weekend I kept track, made good choices: except for last night, which was Jon's and I last night here and a rare quiet meal between the two of us. I didn't go crazy, but ate more than I usually do. I felt it last night, but am much better today.
I felt bad, at first, for not keeping closer track or not just ordering a salad. But, what I've come away with this weekend is this: this is my life, one meal does not make a big difference. It may on the scale for Thursday (and, yeah, I'll be pissed, I'm sure, when I see a gain). But, two weeks from now, the damage of that meal will be long gone.
Maybe I am letting go--a little--to that all or nothing mentality. :)
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Struggling
It's not even Thanksgiving and I'm having a hard time.
This morning, I had to post on my message board that I'm out of the Every Day Challenge. Big deal, right? To me it is. I've been on board with that challenge since May.
And, did I fall face first into a pile of Cheetos? Nope
Eat a whole bag of cookies?
Nah.
It's the little bites, licks and tastes that have been doing me in this week. A little bit here, "Don't worry about it, Marie!" A little extra there: "I can't handle it!"
Don't even bring up the exercise thing....
The good news is that I'm not falling face first into the horrible stuff. But, this pattern is disturbing to me. Where is this attitude coming from? After almost 8 months of doing this, I should be well past this.
Or so I thought.
If I go back in my blog, I think I'll find something there about this being an addiction. For so long, I've been overly-conscious of what I put in my mouth. Lately, it just feels like work and I'm cheating.
And, blowing it.
I know I could be doing a lot worse (i.e. BINGE). So, again, that's another positive.
My thing now is to figure out what is causing this crappy attitude. So, I'm gonna try this. I'm just going to write down the stuff I'm feeling and maybe that will enlighten me.
I feel isolated.
I feel lonely.
I feel busy (which isn't a bad thing)
I feel proud that work is going well.
I feel confused as to why the work has to be an "all or nothing" thing.
I feel empty because even though I have people in my life that are the best, I don't have anyone to spend time with on a regular basis.
I feel bad because I know I could probably do better with making connections with friends.
I feel conflicted because although I know I should be making connections, I'm trying to get my career on the move and consistent--and it's hard to do that and have a social life right now.
I feel worried that I'm not in control of my WLJ and it's the hoilidays.
I feel stupid for letting some of these bad habits sneak back into my day.
Ok, that's enough of that. I'm seeing a trend.
Now, as I always like to say, "What am I going to do about it?"
To be continued....
This morning, I had to post on my message board that I'm out of the Every Day Challenge. Big deal, right? To me it is. I've been on board with that challenge since May.
And, did I fall face first into a pile of Cheetos? Nope
Eat a whole bag of cookies?
Nah.
It's the little bites, licks and tastes that have been doing me in this week. A little bit here, "Don't worry about it, Marie!" A little extra there: "I can't handle it!"
Don't even bring up the exercise thing....
The good news is that I'm not falling face first into the horrible stuff. But, this pattern is disturbing to me. Where is this attitude coming from? After almost 8 months of doing this, I should be well past this.
Or so I thought.
If I go back in my blog, I think I'll find something there about this being an addiction. For so long, I've been overly-conscious of what I put in my mouth. Lately, it just feels like work and I'm cheating.
And, blowing it.
I know I could be doing a lot worse (i.e. BINGE). So, again, that's another positive.
My thing now is to figure out what is causing this crappy attitude. So, I'm gonna try this. I'm just going to write down the stuff I'm feeling and maybe that will enlighten me.
I feel isolated.
I feel lonely.
I feel busy (which isn't a bad thing)
I feel proud that work is going well.
I feel confused as to why the work has to be an "all or nothing" thing.
I feel empty because even though I have people in my life that are the best, I don't have anyone to spend time with on a regular basis.
I feel bad because I know I could probably do better with making connections with friends.
I feel conflicted because although I know I should be making connections, I'm trying to get my career on the move and consistent--and it's hard to do that and have a social life right now.
I feel worried that I'm not in control of my WLJ and it's the hoilidays.
I feel stupid for letting some of these bad habits sneak back into my day.
Ok, that's enough of that. I'm seeing a trend.
Now, as I always like to say, "What am I going to do about it?"
To be continued....
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Still here and still doing well
I think I've reached the point in my WLJ that it's just become the normal day to day stuff. It's been....let's see...almost eight months since starting the journey. I never dreamed that I'd have almost 65 lbs gone by the week before Thanksgiving.
I'm not as "anal" as I was about the program when I started (a few of those bites, licks and tastes don't wind up on my journal). However, I am still having to consciously make decisions about what and when I stuff my face.
For example, this morning I took my girls to Dunkin Donuts---mmmm. Now, this used to be a regular stop for me. My breakfast of choice? Onion bagel and Mocha Coolatta. It has been ages since I've had a coolatta and it was calling my name LOUDLY today.
I had a great WI this morning (as you can see in my progress chart over there) and on WI day, my flex points reset. I certainly could have had the coolatta and bagel. But, I knew it would take a good chunk of my points for the day and I didn't want to break into the extras just so I can eat dinner. If I'm gonna use the FPs, it better be for something good!!
So, I passed on the drive-thru. My girls are happily eating their donuts, and I went home to my OJ, lite bread toast and bowl of cheerios.
And it was delicious!
So, the decisions are still tough, but making the right choice is a little easier.
I'm not as "anal" as I was about the program when I started (a few of those bites, licks and tastes don't wind up on my journal). However, I am still having to consciously make decisions about what and when I stuff my face.
For example, this morning I took my girls to Dunkin Donuts---mmmm. Now, this used to be a regular stop for me. My breakfast of choice? Onion bagel and Mocha Coolatta. It has been ages since I've had a coolatta and it was calling my name LOUDLY today.
I had a great WI this morning (as you can see in my progress chart over there) and on WI day, my flex points reset. I certainly could have had the coolatta and bagel. But, I knew it would take a good chunk of my points for the day and I didn't want to break into the extras just so I can eat dinner. If I'm gonna use the FPs, it better be for something good!!
So, I passed on the drive-thru. My girls are happily eating their donuts, and I went home to my OJ, lite bread toast and bowl of cheerios.
And it was delicious!
So, the decisions are still tough, but making the right choice is a little easier.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Pushing 60
What woman in her right mind would gleefully admit that she's pushing 60?
Me!!
And I look damn good for pushing 60.
I've lost 59.3 lbs and am oh so close to another group of milestones:
1. 60 lbs lost
2. 2nd 10% (259.3)
3. Out of 260's forever!!
This past week has been one of facing some facts and getting refocused and energized for this journey. I've discovered that I can't do this on autopilot. You'd think I'd have learned that after getting to over 320 lbs that I just can't do this absentmindedly. I'm a slow learner, I suppose. During my brief "brainspace" I didn't do any damage--thank God! But, I also discovered that attitude is everything, or at least a lot of it.
In order to succeed on this journey I need to continue to be an ACTIVE participant. The pounds won't go away by wishing or hoping or praying (although they do help a little, especially on those dreaded WI days LOL.
Also, I feel much better when I'm in control and actively working my plan. So, even on days where I'm struggling emotionally, and I have those kind of days often enough...I can deal with what I'm feeling without the crutch of food.
Yeah, life at 60 is gonna be good. But, since we all know about my patience level, I gotta say that I'm sure 70 will be even better!
Me!!
And I look damn good for pushing 60.
I've lost 59.3 lbs and am oh so close to another group of milestones:
1. 60 lbs lost
2. 2nd 10% (259.3)
3. Out of 260's forever!!
This past week has been one of facing some facts and getting refocused and energized for this journey. I've discovered that I can't do this on autopilot. You'd think I'd have learned that after getting to over 320 lbs that I just can't do this absentmindedly. I'm a slow learner, I suppose. During my brief "brainspace" I didn't do any damage--thank God! But, I also discovered that attitude is everything, or at least a lot of it.
In order to succeed on this journey I need to continue to be an ACTIVE participant. The pounds won't go away by wishing or hoping or praying (although they do help a little, especially on those dreaded WI days LOL.
Also, I feel much better when I'm in control and actively working my plan. So, even on days where I'm struggling emotionally, and I have those kind of days often enough...I can deal with what I'm feeling without the crutch of food.
Yeah, life at 60 is gonna be good. But, since we all know about my patience level, I gotta say that I'm sure 70 will be even better!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
6 months--so close and yet so far
Although I can now say I've lost 55 lbs, I'm feeling frustrated. My focus isn't where it needs to be and I think my weight loss is reflecting that. Fortunately, I'm still losing, but it has slowed significantly the past few weeks.
It could be because my body is adjusting--to what, I'm not sure. Some call it a plateau. I'm not sure that's it.
It may be because even though I'm OP, I'm not 100% committed. I can do better with my water, activity and keeping a close eye on portions. I need to work harder, plain and simple.
There have been days lately where I would love to just sit and stuff my face. And, I haven't felt that way in a while. I'm trying to determine the cause of these feelings. I am glad, though, that I haven't given in to those temptations. I ain't going back to where I was--not ever.
So, something is telling me to figure out what's going on.
Since the girls have gone back to school and Jon's work continues to get more insane, I've been doing all I can to keep things running smoothly at home (i.e., keep it from getting to be a total dump). I'm getting in some "me time" by performing in a play--but that is work and does create some stress. I also have a lot of writing work going on.
Stress and I have a love/hate relationship, it seems. I work well under pressure; I'm getting lots done. However, my brain isn't on weight loss 24/7 like it has been.
In trying to stay away from the dreaded 'all or nothing' mentality, I know I need a balance. My weight loss isn't the only part of my life, but it is an important one that I don't want to lose sight of.
Perhaps the fact that I'm keeping it together in spite of everything going on is an indicator that I'm doing something right.
I said to a fellow WL poster that I'm tired of being fat and it's pissing me off now. It took me 10 years to do the damage to my body and my psyche: what should I expect from about 6 months of work?
I'm just not a patient person.
Still, if someone would have told me 6 months ago, when I finally made a commitment to get healthy, that I'd be 55 lbs lighter on September 28, I probably would have dropped to the floor and laughed my fat ass off.
How is it possible that 6 months seems like it's passed in the blink of an eye, but also still feels like forever.
I hope that as I continue to lose the pounds that I find some more patience.
It could be because my body is adjusting--to what, I'm not sure. Some call it a plateau. I'm not sure that's it.
It may be because even though I'm OP, I'm not 100% committed. I can do better with my water, activity and keeping a close eye on portions. I need to work harder, plain and simple.
There have been days lately where I would love to just sit and stuff my face. And, I haven't felt that way in a while. I'm trying to determine the cause of these feelings. I am glad, though, that I haven't given in to those temptations. I ain't going back to where I was--not ever.
So, something is telling me to figure out what's going on.
Since the girls have gone back to school and Jon's work continues to get more insane, I've been doing all I can to keep things running smoothly at home (i.e., keep it from getting to be a total dump). I'm getting in some "me time" by performing in a play--but that is work and does create some stress. I also have a lot of writing work going on.
Stress and I have a love/hate relationship, it seems. I work well under pressure; I'm getting lots done. However, my brain isn't on weight loss 24/7 like it has been.
In trying to stay away from the dreaded 'all or nothing' mentality, I know I need a balance. My weight loss isn't the only part of my life, but it is an important one that I don't want to lose sight of.
Perhaps the fact that I'm keeping it together in spite of everything going on is an indicator that I'm doing something right.
I said to a fellow WL poster that I'm tired of being fat and it's pissing me off now. It took me 10 years to do the damage to my body and my psyche: what should I expect from about 6 months of work?
I'm just not a patient person.
Still, if someone would have told me 6 months ago, when I finally made a commitment to get healthy, that I'd be 55 lbs lighter on September 28, I probably would have dropped to the floor and laughed my fat ass off.
How is it possible that 6 months seems like it's passed in the blink of an eye, but also still feels like forever.
I hope that as I continue to lose the pounds that I find some more patience.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Updated photos
It's been a while since I've subjected myself to the "mug shot" update, so I had Jon take some pics. You can check them out by clicking the link in my sidebar.
Amazingly enough, I'm actually smiling in the pictures and looking a little more comfortable in my skin. There's still plenty of me to go around, but a lot less than the new "before picture" I put in the album. All I can say is that "Aladdin's Magic Carpet ride" must have had some real magic to get that huge body and my two kids even remotely off the ground--which it did. My mom found that picture the last time I was home and gave it to me as a reminder of where I started. Fortunately, I started at a little less than what is pictured here, but not much.
*full body shiver*
I can't believe I let it get that bad.
Never again.
Amazingly enough, I'm actually smiling in the pictures and looking a little more comfortable in my skin. There's still plenty of me to go around, but a lot less than the new "before picture" I put in the album. All I can say is that "Aladdin's Magic Carpet ride" must have had some real magic to get that huge body and my two kids even remotely off the ground--which it did. My mom found that picture the last time I was home and gave it to me as a reminder of where I started. Fortunately, I started at a little less than what is pictured here, but not much.
*full body shiver*
I can't believe I let it get that bad.
Never again.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
50 lbs gone!
After a couple of weeks of dancing around the on the scale (you'd think I'd earn some APs for that, huh?) I finally earned my 50lb star! Actually, it's 50.4
Yeah, it feels amazing and I've earned every ounce of that loss--wait does that sound like a conradiction??
I'm starting to get a lot of comments on how good I look, "you've lost weight". I'm getting more comfortable with simply saying, "Thank you."
Ironically, for the first time in ages today, I had the nibblies. So, I let myself eat a little more often than usual today--and I counted every point. Only into my fresh FPs by 8...not bad at all. And, it felt good to snack and still feel in control.
Oh, that and I ordered grilled chicken and GREEN BEANS for lunch out with a friend?
What have I become??!! LOL
I don't know what I've become, except that there's a lot less of it now than before!
On to my 75lb star!
Yeah, it feels amazing and I've earned every ounce of that loss--wait does that sound like a conradiction??
I'm starting to get a lot of comments on how good I look, "you've lost weight". I'm getting more comfortable with simply saying, "Thank you."
Ironically, for the first time in ages today, I had the nibblies. So, I let myself eat a little more often than usual today--and I counted every point. Only into my fresh FPs by 8...not bad at all. And, it felt good to snack and still feel in control.
Oh, that and I ordered grilled chicken and GREEN BEANS for lunch out with a friend?
What have I become??!! LOL
I don't know what I've become, except that there's a lot less of it now than before!
On to my 75lb star!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
3 big steps forward, 1 small step back
After an almost 2 week vacation, I can claim the major scale and non-scale victories of actually losing weight while away! I managed to lose over 5 lbs in the 10 days I was gone. I had a plan, stuck with it (mostly) and didn't feel deprived or frustrated.
However, I guess my body needed some adjustment--I was up a pound this AM at WI.
Yeah, I'm a little bummed. I wanted that 50lb star a lot today! But, it will come. I've already hit some major milestones since this journey started:
5 lbs 4/6/2006
10 lbs 4/20/2006
25 lbs 5/25/2006
30 lbs 6/8/2006
1st 10% 6/15/2006
40 lbs 7/20/2006
50 lbs TBA
2nd 10% TBA
75 lbs TBA
3rd 10% TBA
100 lbs TBA
Looking at the journey this way, I can see that I've hit a major mileston for every month I've been OP. That's a lot of success along the way. I won't hit a milestone in August, but September looks to be a great month! I'll be saying so long to 50lbs, plus will be getting out of the 270s forever!
This helps me keep perspective on days like this, when I'm a little bummed and/or frustrated at the scale.
For every "stumble", I've walked a mile.
I will not look behind me. The view ahead is too exciting to miss!
However, I guess my body needed some adjustment--I was up a pound this AM at WI.
Yeah, I'm a little bummed. I wanted that 50lb star a lot today! But, it will come. I've already hit some major milestones since this journey started:
5 lbs 4/6/2006
10 lbs 4/20/2006
25 lbs 5/25/2006
30 lbs 6/8/2006
1st 10% 6/15/2006
40 lbs 7/20/2006
50 lbs TBA
2nd 10% TBA
75 lbs TBA
3rd 10% TBA
100 lbs TBA
Looking at the journey this way, I can see that I've hit a major mileston for every month I've been OP. That's a lot of success along the way. I won't hit a milestone in August, but September looks to be a great month! I'll be saying so long to 50lbs, plus will be getting out of the 270s forever!
This helps me keep perspective on days like this, when I'm a little bummed and/or frustrated at the scale.
For every "stumble", I've walked a mile.
I will not look behind me. The view ahead is too exciting to miss!
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Week 16 update
I've gotten over the first major hurdle of my weight loss journey. It's still hard to put my finger on what has been going on, but all I know is that the past few weeks have been a challenge. Today's WI gave me encouragement and proof that I can do this evne in difficult situations. Working the plan away from home isn't too easy, I've discovered. But, I did it! I have one more trip in August and I'll face it, plan as much as I can and do my best.
I've lost over 40 lbs in 16 weeks. Less than 10 to showing 50 lbs to the door and less than 20 lbs to my next 10%. It's still a long road ahead, but inch by inch, mile by mile, I'm traveling to my destination--wherever the journey may lead!
Trying strength training this week to spice up my activity choices. 3x a week for that and a few days week of cardio (walking, etc.). I'm no athlete but at least I'm getting up off my fat ass and making an attempt. I couldn't/wouldn't do that even a few months ago.
Oh yeah, I'll be sooooo "buuuuuffff" LOL Riiiight.
More later!
I've lost over 40 lbs in 16 weeks. Less than 10 to showing 50 lbs to the door and less than 20 lbs to my next 10%. It's still a long road ahead, but inch by inch, mile by mile, I'm traveling to my destination--wherever the journey may lead!
Trying strength training this week to spice up my activity choices. 3x a week for that and a few days week of cardio (walking, etc.). I'm no athlete but at least I'm getting up off my fat ass and making an attempt. I couldn't/wouldn't do that even a few months ago.
Oh yeah, I'll be sooooo "buuuuuffff" LOL Riiiight.
More later!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Little things mean a lot
The past 8 days have required me to stop and try to remember why I'm doing this and that this is something that will take a long time to accomplish. It's been 15 weeks since I started this journey. Each day, each week has presented various challenges and I've met all of them head on and overcome whatever has stood in my way. You'd think after being at this for a while, that little potholes in the road wouldn't faze me. Weeks like this one give me the harsh reminder that I am not Wonder Woman and that I am, indeed, still sensitive about various aspects of this weight loss journey.
In my case, it seems that the big obstacles are easier for me to deal with than the smaller things that life throws my way. I let the little things nag and eat away at me until I feel like I'm going to scream or what to shove twinkies down my throat.
You'll be happy to know that I've kept away from the Twinkie cream filling's evil temptation song...
A combination of various, ordinary thing have been building up into this mish mosh of crap that is bringing me down and has taken my positive outlook with it. Long hours at work for DH, trying to keep two girls entertained and not killing each other for the summer, taking a trip home that has been less enjoyable than I really needed it to be at this point and getting ready for another long trip that is bound to be a challenge has just worn on me. I'm lost in a sea of minutiae and am bogged down.
I had my first maintain on the scale this past Thursday and that seems to reflect the theme of where I'm at right now--stuck.
In spite of getting caught up in the muck of all of this stuff, I am discovering that keeping my eye on the little victories means a lot, too. For instance:
Even though I maintained this week, I did it while away "on vacation" (sort of) at my parents' house. The more I think on that, the more I realize this is a significant victory.
As of today, I have been OP for 83 consecutive days...and since I started on March 29, I've only gone off plan once (April 17th, to be exact)!!!
I'm learning more about how my eating habits have changed and am recognizing old habits sooner, keeping any slip ups minor.
I'm getting more activity in than I ever have before.
Hm, I guess those are the life changes I keep professing are the most important parts of my weight loss journey. It is all of these little changes that are going to lead to the big changes in my health and appearance that I so desperately want and need.
In my case, it seems that the big obstacles are easier for me to deal with than the smaller things that life throws my way. I let the little things nag and eat away at me until I feel like I'm going to scream or what to shove twinkies down my throat.
You'll be happy to know that I've kept away from the Twinkie cream filling's evil temptation song...
A combination of various, ordinary thing have been building up into this mish mosh of crap that is bringing me down and has taken my positive outlook with it. Long hours at work for DH, trying to keep two girls entertained and not killing each other for the summer, taking a trip home that has been less enjoyable than I really needed it to be at this point and getting ready for another long trip that is bound to be a challenge has just worn on me. I'm lost in a sea of minutiae and am bogged down.
I had my first maintain on the scale this past Thursday and that seems to reflect the theme of where I'm at right now--stuck.
In spite of getting caught up in the muck of all of this stuff, I am discovering that keeping my eye on the little victories means a lot, too. For instance:
Even though I maintained this week, I did it while away "on vacation" (sort of) at my parents' house. The more I think on that, the more I realize this is a significant victory.
As of today, I have been OP for 83 consecutive days...and since I started on March 29, I've only gone off plan once (April 17th, to be exact)!!!
I'm learning more about how my eating habits have changed and am recognizing old habits sooner, keeping any slip ups minor.
I'm getting more activity in than I ever have before.
Hm, I guess those are the life changes I keep professing are the most important parts of my weight loss journey. It is all of these little changes that are going to lead to the big changes in my health and appearance that I so desperately want and need.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Updated progress pictures
As promised, I've updated my progress photos. Just click on the link in the sidebar and check out the pictures there--there are three folders: April, June, July.
Slow progress is being made, but the pictures will be good to have as a lasting record of the journey!
Slow progress is being made, but the pictures will be good to have as a lasting record of the journey!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Another week, another loss!
Updated stats show another good loss this week, in spite of eating a lot last night (but still OP--barely! LOL).
Very close to -40 and leaving the next "decade" (10 pound bracket) behind me.
Here's the decades I've already left in the past:
320's (only had to lose .6 to leave this decade, but still...:) )
310's
300's
290's
3 more pounds until I can kiss goodbye to the 280's!
I have my yearly checkup today. I'm hoping my BP is down and am eager to share my progress with my DR. Last time I was there--when I was really sick around the holidays--I was at my highest weight. It will be a little easier to step on the scale today, although I know it will be higher there, dr.'s scale always is! I'll post about my visit later today!
Off to drink some water and do some free weights before cleaning the house, getting kids around and heading to my appt!
Very close to -40 and leaving the next "decade" (10 pound bracket) behind me.
Here's the decades I've already left in the past:
320's (only had to lose .6 to leave this decade, but still...:) )
310's
300's
290's
3 more pounds until I can kiss goodbye to the 280's!
I have my yearly checkup today. I'm hoping my BP is down and am eager to share my progress with my DR. Last time I was there--when I was really sick around the holidays--I was at my highest weight. It will be a little easier to step on the scale today, although I know it will be higher there, dr.'s scale always is! I'll post about my visit later today!
Off to drink some water and do some free weights before cleaning the house, getting kids around and heading to my appt!
Friday, June 23, 2006
More than a 12-step program.
Time for an introduction.
My name is Marie and I'm a foodaholic.
[insert group response of "Hi Marie!" here*]
I never thought I'd be in a position of being an addict. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His disease destroyed his life and made the family's a roller coaster ride from hell at times. He died at the ripe old age of 55 because of his addiction. I swore up and down that I would never be like my father. My clever solution to the problem was to simply avoid alcohol. It never thrilled me anyway, and I figured why chance it? I saw it kind of like playing with fire.
But, after 35 years of living, and more than half of that with an addict in the household, I may have discovered that when experts say that alcoholism runs in the family, it's not the alcohol that's the issue. It's the behavior patterns that cause a person to take on an addictive personality.
In other words, I ran like hell away from booze...and straight into the eager, awaiting arms of food.
Food and alcohol aren't inherently bad for us--it's how people abuse it that causes so many problems.
When food is used as a crutch during times of stress, when it's a substitute for dealing with one's problems or feelings, eating has gone beyond a way to sustain life and makes an ominous shift. Instead, it becomes something that can slowly choke the life out of a person who doesn't know when or how to stop. For over 15 years, food wasn't a means of taking care of myself; it was my way of coping with life.
Food addiction is especially challenging compared to other dependencies. I don't say that lightly, because I've seen the ugly side of other addictions. However, neither alcohol nor other drugs are not things that people need in order to survive. Humans need to eat. They don't need to drink beer, mainline smack or smoke a doobie (although once addicted, I know it does become a physical need, in a sense). Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts can avoid their vices. Foodaholics, like me, actually have to go to stores full of potential triggers.
Since I started making a conscious decision to avoid following my father's footsteps into an early grave, my challenge has been to figure out ways to take control over the food so that I can co-exist with it peacefully, without having it and its fat cell friends taking up more residence in my butt, thighs and belly. Eating is something I think about constantly. Before, my thoughts were simply about the next time I would eat--and waiting was impossible. Today, I still think about food all the time, but now it's making sure that I'm only eating when I NEED to and not because I HAVE to. It sounds strange, I know, but there is a subtle difference.
Many recovering addicts have little sayings to help keep them anchored and focused during the challenging times. Typically, I'm not into cliches. For instance, if I see "Food doesn't taste as good as being thin feels." I call a resounding 'BULLSHIT' on that one. Anyone who has ever savored a favorite food would debate that point until the sun rises and sets. There's a great quote from my all-time favorite show, The West Wing. Leo McGarry, the White House Cheif of Staff, is a recovering alocohic who fell off the wagon a few times. His description of addiction should be gospel to those of us who fight dependency every day:
It's all in the details, isn't it? I associate eating with the emotions it elicits. That is addicition in its purest form. Leo's reflection is me--just substitute snack food for scotch.
My anchoring phrase is a question: "Is it worth it?" Some days, having the ice cream or extra slice of pizza is worth it--it's worth doing a little excerise to counteract it. But, I know now that I control what goes into my body and how I deal with it. Eating is no longer a passive experience for me. But, over the past 12 weeks, there have been more days when the answer to "Is it worth it?" has been. "Not today."
Because there is always tomorrow. The food will still be there, waiting for us. It ain't going anywhere until I take it there. Yeah, I like being the one in control.
My name is Marie and I'm a foodaholic.
[insert group response of "Hi Marie!" here*]
I never thought I'd be in a position of being an addict. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His disease destroyed his life and made the family's a roller coaster ride from hell at times. He died at the ripe old age of 55 because of his addiction. I swore up and down that I would never be like my father. My clever solution to the problem was to simply avoid alcohol. It never thrilled me anyway, and I figured why chance it? I saw it kind of like playing with fire.
But, after 35 years of living, and more than half of that with an addict in the household, I may have discovered that when experts say that alcoholism runs in the family, it's not the alcohol that's the issue. It's the behavior patterns that cause a person to take on an addictive personality.
In other words, I ran like hell away from booze...and straight into the eager, awaiting arms of food.
Food and alcohol aren't inherently bad for us--it's how people abuse it that causes so many problems.
When food is used as a crutch during times of stress, when it's a substitute for dealing with one's problems or feelings, eating has gone beyond a way to sustain life and makes an ominous shift. Instead, it becomes something that can slowly choke the life out of a person who doesn't know when or how to stop. For over 15 years, food wasn't a means of taking care of myself; it was my way of coping with life.
Food addiction is especially challenging compared to other dependencies. I don't say that lightly, because I've seen the ugly side of other addictions. However, neither alcohol nor other drugs are not things that people need in order to survive. Humans need to eat. They don't need to drink beer, mainline smack or smoke a doobie (although once addicted, I know it does become a physical need, in a sense). Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts can avoid their vices. Foodaholics, like me, actually have to go to stores full of potential triggers.
Since I started making a conscious decision to avoid following my father's footsteps into an early grave, my challenge has been to figure out ways to take control over the food so that I can co-exist with it peacefully, without having it and its fat cell friends taking up more residence in my butt, thighs and belly. Eating is something I think about constantly. Before, my thoughts were simply about the next time I would eat--and waiting was impossible. Today, I still think about food all the time, but now it's making sure that I'm only eating when I NEED to and not because I HAVE to. It sounds strange, I know, but there is a subtle difference.
Many recovering addicts have little sayings to help keep them anchored and focused during the challenging times. Typically, I'm not into cliches. For instance, if I see "Food doesn't taste as good as being thin feels." I call a resounding 'BULLSHIT' on that one. Anyone who has ever savored a favorite food would debate that point until the sun rises and sets. There's a great quote from my all-time favorite show, The West Wing. Leo McGarry, the White House Cheif of Staff, is a recovering alocohic who fell off the wagon a few times. His description of addiction should be gospel to those of us who fight dependency every day:
"I like the little things, the way a glass feels in your hand, a good
glass, thick with a heavy base. I love the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height. Too high and it'll chip when you drop it. Chip the ice and it'll melt too fast in the Scotch. I'm an alcoholic, I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this?"
It's all in the details, isn't it? I associate eating with the emotions it elicits. That is addicition in its purest form. Leo's reflection is me--just substitute snack food for scotch.
My anchoring phrase is a question: "Is it worth it?" Some days, having the ice cream or extra slice of pizza is worth it--it's worth doing a little excerise to counteract it. But, I know now that I control what goes into my body and how I deal with it. Eating is no longer a passive experience for me. But, over the past 12 weeks, there have been more days when the answer to "Is it worth it?" has been. "Not today."
Because there is always tomorrow. The food will still be there, waiting for us. It ain't going anywhere until I take it there. Yeah, I like being the one in control.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Weigh-In Thursday
Down another 2.8--and just a hair over a total of 35 lbs.
Wow.
I keep waiting for this not to work, for the numbers to go up. I'm not sure why I think that way. Lord knows I'm eating better, moving more and have days where I'd rather be eating a chocolate bar than fruit for a snack...
Yet, I keep seeing success at the scale. Sweet victory!
I have yet to figure out a good reward for milestones that aren't food related! LOL. I passed my 10% last week and didn't do anything for that. I have approx 14.9 pounds until I hit 50 lobs, so I think maybe I'll wait until then.
But, a baby back rib dinner sounds pretty damn good, too.
Some things never change, I guess.
Wow.
I keep waiting for this not to work, for the numbers to go up. I'm not sure why I think that way. Lord knows I'm eating better, moving more and have days where I'd rather be eating a chocolate bar than fruit for a snack...
Yet, I keep seeing success at the scale. Sweet victory!
I have yet to figure out a good reward for milestones that aren't food related! LOL. I passed my 10% last week and didn't do anything for that. I have approx 14.9 pounds until I hit 50 lobs, so I think maybe I'll wait until then.
But, a baby back rib dinner sounds pretty damn good, too.
Some things never change, I guess.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A couple of months ago, I had a blast getting back on the stage and performing on one of theater's most influential musicals: "Oklahoma!" There's a particular piece from the show that really hits home with me:
Rogers and Hammerstein, "Oklahoma!"
Some people call it perfectionism or the need for overachievement, while others may think it's being anal retentive. But, for me, it's simply a case of having an all or nothing mentality--and it is something that touches almost every part of my life.
When I decide to do something, it is because I feel ready to conquer it head on, no turning back, no stopping me. I've always believed that if I'm going to take the time to do something, it has to be right.
However, it turns out that I've been setting myself up for failure all along.
The truth is that in life, there are few things that are clearly right and clearly wrong. The big things (like murder and other things that cause bodily or emotional harm) are pretty cut and dry. It is the day-to-day details of our lives that cause the most problems. With so many choices about what we should or should not do, it is inevitable that bad choices are going to be made from time to time.
My issue has always been this: if I make a bad choice along a chosen path, I just pick up all my marbles and go home. Game over. I've failed.
But, the real failure isn't in making one bad decision; the TRUE failure is the next decision of quitting just because I screwed up once. I'm not sure how many times I've started this weight loss journey, but I think that if I could earn frequent flier miles based on that number, I'd be in Hawaii on someone else's dime by now. In my previous trips, I've gotten to about the point where I'm at now, about 3 months along and then something happens: I have a day where I can't stop shoving food in my mouth for whatever reason and all hell breaks loose. My brain has this switch that plays a recording:
You messed up! Boy are you stupid! What are you doing? *insert LOOONG Pause and then...* Well, since you blew it, you're done, might as well just forget about the whole thing.
Nice, huh?
Each time I failed to keep looking forward, I gained the weight back and more on top of it. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Mistakes happen in spite of all my preparations and hard work. So far, I've been in control, but I know there will be a time where I lose it: a so-so/bad weigh in, a huge meal or one too many snacks for no other reason than I WANT IT NOW.
The new recording I'm working in as a replacement to the old one is this: Is one bad decision worth throwing away the countless good ones I made?
How can I answer no to that one?
I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me and I'm tired of the stress of trying to be "right" all of the time. As long as I keep my focus on the road ahead and not where I started (except as a measure of how far I've come...), even the bad choices won't slow me down too much.
Now, if I can just carry that over to the rest of my life, maybe the emotional eating habit will go away! :)
With me, it's all or nuthin'
Is it all or nuthin' with you?
It can't be in between
It can't be now and then
No half and half romance will do...
Rogers and Hammerstein, "Oklahoma!"
Some people call it perfectionism or the need for overachievement, while others may think it's being anal retentive. But, for me, it's simply a case of having an all or nothing mentality--and it is something that touches almost every part of my life.
When I decide to do something, it is because I feel ready to conquer it head on, no turning back, no stopping me. I've always believed that if I'm going to take the time to do something, it has to be right.
However, it turns out that I've been setting myself up for failure all along.
The truth is that in life, there are few things that are clearly right and clearly wrong. The big things (like murder and other things that cause bodily or emotional harm) are pretty cut and dry. It is the day-to-day details of our lives that cause the most problems. With so many choices about what we should or should not do, it is inevitable that bad choices are going to be made from time to time.
My issue has always been this: if I make a bad choice along a chosen path, I just pick up all my marbles and go home. Game over. I've failed.
But, the real failure isn't in making one bad decision; the TRUE failure is the next decision of quitting just because I screwed up once. I'm not sure how many times I've started this weight loss journey, but I think that if I could earn frequent flier miles based on that number, I'd be in Hawaii on someone else's dime by now. In my previous trips, I've gotten to about the point where I'm at now, about 3 months along and then something happens: I have a day where I can't stop shoving food in my mouth for whatever reason and all hell breaks loose. My brain has this switch that plays a recording:
You messed up! Boy are you stupid! What are you doing? *insert LOOONG Pause and then...* Well, since you blew it, you're done, might as well just forget about the whole thing.
Nice, huh?
Each time I failed to keep looking forward, I gained the weight back and more on top of it. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Mistakes happen in spite of all my preparations and hard work. So far, I've been in control, but I know there will be a time where I lose it: a so-so/bad weigh in, a huge meal or one too many snacks for no other reason than I WANT IT NOW.
The new recording I'm working in as a replacement to the old one is this: Is one bad decision worth throwing away the countless good ones I made?
How can I answer no to that one?
I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me and I'm tired of the stress of trying to be "right" all of the time. As long as I keep my focus on the road ahead and not where I started (except as a measure of how far I've come...), even the bad choices won't slow me down too much.
Now, if I can just carry that over to the rest of my life, maybe the emotional eating habit will go away! :)
Now here's a diet that's different...
A quick shout-out to one of my favorite bloggers/column authors. Mike Todd is fantastic and if you haven't checked out his work, you need to! This week, his column is a classic example of how to approach dieting with a sense of humor:
Doggie Donuts
Not that I'm dieting, of course! Remember, it is a lifestyle change! ;)
Doggie Donuts
Not that I'm dieting, of course! Remember, it is a lifestyle change! ;)
Thursday, June 15, 2006
One down, ?? to go
You may have noticed some odd changes in my progress chart. My middle number there has jumped up to 28.8 lbs from a paltry 1.5. I passed my first 10% lost today!! (with a total loss, so far, of 32.3 lobs!) So, I made sure to set my next "big" goal: my next 10%. That's about as big a picture as I can handle right now.
What's also nice about breaking this journey down into 10% increments is that each one gets a little shorter as I go along. For my first 10%, I had to lose 32 pounds--which at the start of this adventure seemed like a lifetime away. This time around, it's "only" 28.8 pounds. If I did the 32 pounds, the 28.8 is definitely doable.
It's around this time in the weight loss journey that people may start asking: "What is your ultimate goal?" My honest answer is, "I don't know." Based on the expert charts, I'm supposed to weigh no more than 155 lbs. Now, the last time I weighed that, I was in high school. I'm not sure if that is a realistic expectation. I will be consulting with my doctor in August when I have my annual check up, and oh will she be surprised when she sees so much less of me this time!!! ;) I've been thinking a lot about the ultimate goal lately and it just doesn't feel right to set a specific number. For now, I've come to a compromise. I'd like to get to the weight I was when I was married almost 10 years ago, which was around 200-210 pounds. Here's a picture to show you what that looked like. Once I reach that point, I believe that will be the right time to make some major decisions about how much farther I want to go. But, once I start going down that track, I get that sense that I'm trying to wrap too much around my poor brain. That's why mI'm sticking with 10%s as my major goals. It's significant, yet attainable, which are two must haves for any goal.
I think this kind of thinking also fits in with my decision that this will be a lifelong journey and not just a diet. Even when I hit that final goal weight, the journey isn't over. It will be harder to keep the weight off than it was to lose it...
What's also nice about breaking this journey down into 10% increments is that each one gets a little shorter as I go along. For my first 10%, I had to lose 32 pounds--which at the start of this adventure seemed like a lifetime away. This time around, it's "only" 28.8 pounds. If I did the 32 pounds, the 28.8 is definitely doable.
It's around this time in the weight loss journey that people may start asking: "What is your ultimate goal?" My honest answer is, "I don't know." Based on the expert charts, I'm supposed to weigh no more than 155 lbs. Now, the last time I weighed that, I was in high school. I'm not sure if that is a realistic expectation. I will be consulting with my doctor in August when I have my annual check up, and oh will she be surprised when she sees so much less of me this time!!! ;) I've been thinking a lot about the ultimate goal lately and it just doesn't feel right to set a specific number. For now, I've come to a compromise. I'd like to get to the weight I was when I was married almost 10 years ago, which was around 200-210 pounds. Here's a picture to show you what that looked like. Once I reach that point, I believe that will be the right time to make some major decisions about how much farther I want to go. But, once I start going down that track, I get that sense that I'm trying to wrap too much around my poor brain. That's why mI'm sticking with 10%s as my major goals. It's significant, yet attainable, which are two must haves for any goal.
I think this kind of thinking also fits in with my decision that this will be a lifelong journey and not just a diet. Even when I hit that final goal weight, the journey isn't over. It will be harder to keep the weight off than it was to lose it...
Friday, June 09, 2006
Driven to distraction
I have yet to understand those people who say that they love to exercise. There are a number of people on the boards I participate in who claim that they can't go a day without going to the gym, climbing some mountain or running a freakin' marathon. I realize that I am still very early in my weight loss journey, but even when I was slimmer and in shape, typical exercise wasn't something I'd bounce out of bed in the morning for and say, "Oh my God, I gotta go do a lap around my town today!"
I know I need to get up and move more. However, none of my exercising experiences (at least in the 'traditional' way most people refer to it) have convinced me that I'll be changing my food addiction for a working-out one anytime soon. There is no one particular exercise catastrophe that has led to this aversion, and I'm sure that it is a great thing. And, it obviously works for the majority of people.
I have discovered, though, that as I get older, a certain kind of ADD has taken over. I find most traditional exercise BORING AS HELL. Break a sweat? That's fine. Push that heart rate to the point where I feel like I have an African drumming ensemble pounding away in my chest, yeah, I'm good with that. I just can't get into the repetition that comes with jumping on a treadmill, recumbant bike or any other piece of equipment (and, don't even get me started on that damn elliptical machine, because I am convinced that it got its start in a dark room somewhere as a new age torture device. I'd like to meet the person who brought this gadget to the workout world and give them a smack upside the head. Experts claim that it is a low impact workout that burns calories more efficiently. That's great, but if I'm dead after a little over 5 minutes on it, it really won't matter that I burned 500 calories. I'll choose another form of "low impact" activity, thanks.)
See, there's that exercise ADD again...
Back to my point, which is activity needs to be something more than going to a gym or running. I like, no need, to change things up. That is why any gym membership I've had usually goes to waste by month two or three. The newness simply wears off and the only motivation left is for me to make a drive-thru run on my way home from the gym to liven my up my day. I think that is what is called counterproductive.
Right now, I do walk, because it is something that this big ol body can handle. But even that gets boring after a while. I've even tried creating various playlists on my Ipod to help liven things up, but eventually, it's all just walking around to the beat of my own drummer. I've also discovered that just because I happen to like a certain song or playlist, doesn't mean that others want to hear it sung badly as I cruise by them.
Once in a while, I enjoy swimming, too. Let's be real here, though. How many people my size enjoy going out in public in a bathing suit? Count me out of that statistic. Still, I suck it up because it really is a great workout and sweating isn't a big deal because I'm already soaked. Now that summer is just about here, I will add this to my list of activities.
Once my body gets more in-tuned with this daily activity thing, I hope to get back to something that I really enjoyed doing and burns a ton of calories: dance. Even as a moderately plus-sized gal, I could move with the best of them. I loved taking classes and even partnered up with my instructor as 1/2 of a pro-am competition team. Now, dance WAS an addiction for me. Fortunately, it was something that my DH enjoyed doing with me, up to a point. What he didn't like doing in class, he allowed me to continue learning with my teacher and was biggest cheerleader.
Today, it's not so pretty. I still got rhythm, but it's just harder to move the body to the beat.
Before I can perfect those dance steps, though, I gotta keep up with these babysteps back to an active lifestyle. The only way I'm going to accomplish that is to keep finding things that interest me and pacify my distracted mind long enough so I can work up a good sweat.
Guess I should schedule a time today for a walk....
or some weights...
or a swim...
or...
what was I saying again??
I know I need to get up and move more. However, none of my exercising experiences (at least in the 'traditional' way most people refer to it) have convinced me that I'll be changing my food addiction for a working-out one anytime soon. There is no one particular exercise catastrophe that has led to this aversion, and I'm sure that it is a great thing. And, it obviously works for the majority of people.
I have discovered, though, that as I get older, a certain kind of ADD has taken over. I find most traditional exercise BORING AS HELL. Break a sweat? That's fine. Push that heart rate to the point where I feel like I have an African drumming ensemble pounding away in my chest, yeah, I'm good with that. I just can't get into the repetition that comes with jumping on a treadmill, recumbant bike or any other piece of equipment (and, don't even get me started on that damn elliptical machine, because I am convinced that it got its start in a dark room somewhere as a new age torture device. I'd like to meet the person who brought this gadget to the workout world and give them a smack upside the head. Experts claim that it is a low impact workout that burns calories more efficiently. That's great, but if I'm dead after a little over 5 minutes on it, it really won't matter that I burned 500 calories. I'll choose another form of "low impact" activity, thanks.)
See, there's that exercise ADD again...
Back to my point, which is activity needs to be something more than going to a gym or running. I like, no need, to change things up. That is why any gym membership I've had usually goes to waste by month two or three. The newness simply wears off and the only motivation left is for me to make a drive-thru run on my way home from the gym to liven my up my day. I think that is what is called counterproductive.
Right now, I do walk, because it is something that this big ol body can handle. But even that gets boring after a while. I've even tried creating various playlists on my Ipod to help liven things up, but eventually, it's all just walking around to the beat of my own drummer. I've also discovered that just because I happen to like a certain song or playlist, doesn't mean that others want to hear it sung badly as I cruise by them.
Once in a while, I enjoy swimming, too. Let's be real here, though. How many people my size enjoy going out in public in a bathing suit? Count me out of that statistic. Still, I suck it up because it really is a great workout and sweating isn't a big deal because I'm already soaked. Now that summer is just about here, I will add this to my list of activities.
Once my body gets more in-tuned with this daily activity thing, I hope to get back to something that I really enjoyed doing and burns a ton of calories: dance. Even as a moderately plus-sized gal, I could move with the best of them. I loved taking classes and even partnered up with my instructor as 1/2 of a pro-am competition team. Now, dance WAS an addiction for me. Fortunately, it was something that my DH enjoyed doing with me, up to a point. What he didn't like doing in class, he allowed me to continue learning with my teacher and was biggest cheerleader.
Today, it's not so pretty. I still got rhythm, but it's just harder to move the body to the beat.
Before I can perfect those dance steps, though, I gotta keep up with these babysteps back to an active lifestyle. The only way I'm going to accomplish that is to keep finding things that interest me and pacify my distracted mind long enough so I can work up a good sweat.
Guess I should schedule a time today for a walk....
or some weights...
or a swim...
or...
what was I saying again??
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Ain't that a shame
Being big doesn't matter. I'm well-educated, have a damn good sense of humor; what else do I need? I never considered myself a good-looking girl, anyway, so what was the difference? I never got ahead in life by my appearance. It's what inside that counts most.
Even adults wish that fairy tales could come true.
I still believe that what someone feels, believes and is able to express is the essence of who she is. However, no matter how much anyone denies it, we all judge a book by its cover. In my case, I worked incredibly hard not to judge others, and found it amazingly easy to judge myself based on my appearance. Once the shame settled in, I did everything I could to push it down; I didn't want to deal with it. Somedays, it would rear its ugly head as a food binge. Other times, it would simmer just below the surface, lurking quietly, ready to strike without warning.
Shame is our conscience's way of letting us know we've done something wrong. I knew that eating two (or three or four) helpings of something wasn't a good thing. Remember, I'm not stupid. But all I wanted to do was numb the shame inside and eating worked well in that capacity. So, the shame grew right along with my waistline. It became a viscious cycle that I rode for years. In spite of my awareness of the damage I was doing, somewhere in my brain, I figured it was just easier to stay on the neverending ride rather than put on the brakes.
My eating mentality and shame were perfect partners. They are co-dependents, enablers of each other, if you will. Shame fed on my low self-esteem--a bottomless pit always looking to hide itself away so that it would never really disappear, but keep just out of sight enough to not cripple me. As the shame ate away at my self-worth, I looked to fill the holes it chomped away within me. The fatter I got, the more my self-esteem bottomed out, the more my self-esteem withered, the more I ate; you get the picture.
Shame was determined to win. Whenever I thought I wanted to fight the battle, it put up incredible defenses: "Eating feels so much better.", "You have so much to lose, you can never do that." or, worst of all, "If you try this, you're admitting you have a problem, that you've screwed up your life." Emotions are silent, except for within our own brains. Oh, it yelled loud and clear in my head, until I caved in yet again.
How have I started to win the battle against the shame I feel at being fat? Facing it head on. Acceptance is freeing. Admitting that I am obese, that I caused it and that I'm the only one who can change it was my first showdown with shame. Stepping out of the shame's shadow sucks all of its power away. Once I acknowledged my situation, I knew that my next step was to accept it, not pass judgment and move on. This is my daily battle now. Most days, I have the advantage. Each day that I make decisions about what or how I stuff my face based on what I want to achieve and not how I feel at that moment gives me the upper hand. There are still days where shame pushes back--it isn't giving up without a good fight.
The difference now, though, is that when shame tries to push me around, I push back.
I figure I might as well use my weight to my advantage for once.
Even adults wish that fairy tales could come true.
I still believe that what someone feels, believes and is able to express is the essence of who she is. However, no matter how much anyone denies it, we all judge a book by its cover. In my case, I worked incredibly hard not to judge others, and found it amazingly easy to judge myself based on my appearance. Once the shame settled in, I did everything I could to push it down; I didn't want to deal with it. Somedays, it would rear its ugly head as a food binge. Other times, it would simmer just below the surface, lurking quietly, ready to strike without warning.
Shame is our conscience's way of letting us know we've done something wrong. I knew that eating two (or three or four) helpings of something wasn't a good thing. Remember, I'm not stupid. But all I wanted to do was numb the shame inside and eating worked well in that capacity. So, the shame grew right along with my waistline. It became a viscious cycle that I rode for years. In spite of my awareness of the damage I was doing, somewhere in my brain, I figured it was just easier to stay on the neverending ride rather than put on the brakes.
My eating mentality and shame were perfect partners. They are co-dependents, enablers of each other, if you will. Shame fed on my low self-esteem--a bottomless pit always looking to hide itself away so that it would never really disappear, but keep just out of sight enough to not cripple me. As the shame ate away at my self-worth, I looked to fill the holes it chomped away within me. The fatter I got, the more my self-esteem bottomed out, the more my self-esteem withered, the more I ate; you get the picture.
Shame was determined to win. Whenever I thought I wanted to fight the battle, it put up incredible defenses: "Eating feels so much better.", "You have so much to lose, you can never do that." or, worst of all, "If you try this, you're admitting you have a problem, that you've screwed up your life." Emotions are silent, except for within our own brains. Oh, it yelled loud and clear in my head, until I caved in yet again.
How have I started to win the battle against the shame I feel at being fat? Facing it head on. Acceptance is freeing. Admitting that I am obese, that I caused it and that I'm the only one who can change it was my first showdown with shame. Stepping out of the shame's shadow sucks all of its power away. Once I acknowledged my situation, I knew that my next step was to accept it, not pass judgment and move on. This is my daily battle now. Most days, I have the advantage. Each day that I make decisions about what or how I stuff my face based on what I want to achieve and not how I feel at that moment gives me the upper hand. There are still days where shame pushes back--it isn't giving up without a good fight.
The difference now, though, is that when shame tries to push me around, I push back.
I figure I might as well use my weight to my advantage for once.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A picture is worth...
Believing is not always in the seeing. I hate getting my picture taken and the bigger I got, the more I hid.
I know I can't run and hide any more.
So, in order to stay accountable and because I'm all about honesty, you will find progress pictures posted on the sidebar. I plan on updating them once a month: for better, for worse--well, you get the idea.
I haven't noticed much of a difference in the pictures currently posted, which documents about 9 weeks on plan. But, with such a long way to go, it's going to take a while to see the outward changes.
I also will need to get rid of the mental image of being a fat person. I suppose that is one of the good things about this goal taking a long time. It's going to take that long to change the way I see myself.
Go check out the pictures at your leisure. New ones will be posted the last Thursday of each month.
I know I can't run and hide any more.
So, in order to stay accountable and because I'm all about honesty, you will find progress pictures posted on the sidebar. I plan on updating them once a month: for better, for worse--well, you get the idea.
I haven't noticed much of a difference in the pictures currently posted, which documents about 9 weeks on plan. But, with such a long way to go, it's going to take a while to see the outward changes.
I also will need to get rid of the mental image of being a fat person. I suppose that is one of the good things about this goal taking a long time. It's going to take that long to change the way I see myself.
Go check out the pictures at your leisure. New ones will be posted the last Thursday of each month.
The Nitty Gritty
What's my story? I'm morbidly obese. There's nothing like cutting through all the crap and getting down to basic facts. I was a skinny kid and a curvy (but healthy) teen. College started the upward climb and once I had kids, that was it...It's not an excuse: my kids didn't make me fat. I did.
When I started this journey almost 10 weeks ago, I weighed 320.5 lbs.
It's taken me over 8 years to figure out what I needed to do to change that fact. No, I've always known what I needed to do, but I just didn't have the courage to face facts about what I had become. Finally, I realized a few things:
I don't want to die young.
I want to feel healthy and take care of myself. I'm setting an example for two beautiful girls, after all.
I want to enjoy my husband and my kids.
But, most of all, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. Sound shallow? Ok, it might be, but I'm tired of letting my self-esteem being dictated by the reflection looking back at me.
I've tried before to do this and have had various amounts of success. However, after only a few weeks, I'd decide that the road was to long to travel and say, "Why Bother?"
Why bother? Because I'm worth it. And, it's my time now...
It hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'll fall on my face plenty of times. And you'll all be there to see it.
It will be a learning experience, for sure. I'll share whatever I learn with you, and maybe you can share your wisdom with me.
Enjoy the ride!
When I started this journey almost 10 weeks ago, I weighed 320.5 lbs.
It's taken me over 8 years to figure out what I needed to do to change that fact. No, I've always known what I needed to do, but I just didn't have the courage to face facts about what I had become. Finally, I realized a few things:
I don't want to die young.
I want to feel healthy and take care of myself. I'm setting an example for two beautiful girls, after all.
I want to enjoy my husband and my kids.
But, most of all, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. Sound shallow? Ok, it might be, but I'm tired of letting my self-esteem being dictated by the reflection looking back at me.
I've tried before to do this and have had various amounts of success. However, after only a few weeks, I'd decide that the road was to long to travel and say, "Why Bother?"
Why bother? Because I'm worth it. And, it's my time now...
It hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'll fall on my face plenty of times. And you'll all be there to see it.
It will be a learning experience, for sure. I'll share whatever I learn with you, and maybe you can share your wisdom with me.
Enjoy the ride!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)