More than a 12-step program.

Time for an introduction.

My name is Marie and I'm a foodaholic.

[insert group response of "Hi Marie!" here*]

I never thought I'd be in a position of being an addict. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His disease destroyed his life and made the family's a roller coaster ride from hell at times. He died at the ripe old age of 55 because of his addiction. I swore up and down that I would never be like my father. My clever solution to the problem was to simply avoid alcohol. It never thrilled me anyway, and I figured why chance it? I saw it kind of like playing with fire.

But, after 35 years of living, and more than half of that with an addict in the household, I may have discovered that when experts say that alcoholism runs in the family, it's not the alcohol that's the issue. It's the behavior patterns that cause a person to take on an addictive personality.

In other words, I ran like hell away from booze...and straight into the eager, awaiting arms of food.

Food and alcohol aren't inherently bad for us--it's how people abuse it that causes so many problems.

When food is used as a crutch during times of stress, when it's a substitute for dealing with one's problems or feelings, eating has gone beyond a way to sustain life and makes an ominous shift. Instead, it becomes something that can slowly choke the life out of a person who doesn't know when or how to stop. For over 15 years, food wasn't a means of taking care of myself; it was my way of coping with life.

Food addiction is especially challenging compared to other dependencies. I don't say that lightly, because I've seen the ugly side of other addictions. However, neither alcohol nor other drugs are not things that people need in order to survive. Humans need to eat. They don't need to drink beer, mainline smack or smoke a doobie (although once addicted, I know it does become a physical need, in a sense). Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts can avoid their vices. Foodaholics, like me, actually have to go to stores full of potential triggers.

Since I started making a conscious decision to avoid following my father's footsteps into an early grave, my challenge has been to figure out ways to take control over the food so that I can co-exist with it peacefully, without having it and its fat cell friends taking up more residence in my butt, thighs and belly. Eating is something I think about constantly. Before, my thoughts were simply about the next time I would eat--and waiting was impossible. Today, I still think about food all the time, but now it's making sure that I'm only eating when I NEED to and not because I HAVE to. It sounds strange, I know, but there is a subtle difference.

Many recovering addicts have little sayings to help keep them anchored and focused during the challenging times. Typically, I'm not into cliches. For instance, if I see "Food doesn't taste as good as being thin feels." I call a resounding 'BULLSHIT' on that one. Anyone who has ever savored a favorite food would debate that point until the sun rises and sets. There's a great quote from my all-time favorite show, The West Wing. Leo McGarry, the White House Cheif of Staff, is a recovering alocohic who fell off the wagon a few times. His description of addiction should be gospel to those of us who fight dependency every day:

"I like the little things, the way a glass feels in your hand, a good
glass, thick with a heavy base. I love the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height. Too high and it'll chip when you drop it. Chip the ice and it'll melt too fast in the Scotch. I'm an alcoholic, I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this?"

It's all in the details, isn't it? I associate eating with the emotions it elicits. That is addicition in its purest form. Leo's reflection is me--just substitute snack food for scotch.

My anchoring phrase is a question: "Is it worth it?" Some days, having the ice cream or extra slice of pizza is worth it--it's worth doing a little excerise to counteract it. But, I know now that I control what goes into my body and how I deal with it. Eating is no longer a passive experience for me. But, over the past 12 weeks, there have been more days when the answer to "Is it worth it?" has been. "Not today."

Because there is always tomorrow. The food will still be there, waiting for us. It ain't going anywhere until I take it there. Yeah, I like being the one in control.