Checking In

Nothing major going on, but just thought I'd check in before I got to work for the day.

Still plugging away OP. I forgot how good it feels to be in control. I will admit it's a drag sometimes when I wish I just didn't have THINK so much about what I'm doing--but we all know what happens when I stop thinking. The mouth takes over!

I head back to the dr's office today for a follow up on my blood work and thyroid scan. I already know my cholesterol is up (not too bad), but have no idea on the rest. I'm a little nervous.

I'm in my 2nd week of the 7 day on-plan challenge and have signed up for one of my other challenges I used to do. It runs through Labor Day and I've set a goal of 7 lbs. Doable, yes?

Yeah, I think so, too.

Are you ready for this?

I can't believe I'm doing this, but I guess I'll do anything to let my geek out and keep things interesting with this weight loss thing...

Fortunately for you all, I won't be doing this all the time, because when I look at that I go, ugh! But, if I suppose this is a good way to see some progress along with pictures.

Catch ya later!

Addictive thinking

I know I've talked about this in previous posts, but considering the roads I've been traveling down lately, I think it bears some repeating. The worst part about this food addiction for me is the shame that is involved.

There's the shame that comes from seeing the evidence of what my addiction, when not under control, does to me. Mirrors do NOT lie.

There's the shame that comes from the anger of "why can't I just get these damn urges under control??". I've done it before--for months at a time. But then, they come raging back and I feel like I've made no progress whatsoever.

Tied into that is the anger I feel at people who DO have that control. Jealousy, envy, whatever you want to call it. I just yearn to have that sense of control--even better the feeling of not being consumed by food.

I've always wondered what it was like not to "think" about food. Even when I'm 100% OP I'm thinking about food. "How much, how many points is that, do I feel hungry, full, etc."

UGH! No wonder why I'm fat! I've got food on the brain all the time!

But, once again, I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on track.

I'm pretty sure that I'll never stop thinking like an addict. But, I know I can control the behavior.

I've done it before and I'll do it again.

Numbers don't lie

How is it possible to be up 5 pounds in one day? Another miserable scale hop.

Been better with the food, but not great.

I'm out of control. I'm feeling buried, overwhelmed, etc. And, although I know it's nowhere near true...

I feel totally alone.

THUMP THUMP THUMP

The noise you just heard is the echoes of my fat ass falling off the wagon weeks ago. I have no excuse, although I came up with plenty:

• I was packing to move
• I was living in a hotel for a week or so
• I was unpacking and getting settled

Whatever.

The scale has launched upward. The grand irony in all of this is that for the first time in ages, I'm actually exercising more than I ever have! I joined the local Y here and am going 3x a week--doing cardio and strength traning. Yet, I continue to stuff my face. Why?

Because I'm an addict and even though I've been doing this for well over a year, it doesn't mean that I can't get careless with the food. I almost wish I could be like the alcoholic who has to stay away from the stuff all together.

But, that goes back to that all or nothing mentality again. Will I ever learn?

So, I'm going to back to the drawing board and seeing if I can fully extract from my head from my ass and my hand from my mouth.

And, one of the steps is to keep up with this blog again.

I'm back...I'm scared, but I can do this...

My personal challenge...

Getting into the next decade in my weight loss felt like it literally took ten years, but I've finally made it into the 240's.

This was my first time getting through the holidays while on my WLJ. Overall, it was a success. I didn't gain any weight (except for bouncing around with the same 2 lbs for a couple of weeks). The final total loss from Thanksgiving to New Year's was 5 lbs. Not fabulous, but considering that in years past I probably packed on that and maybe more, that's a big success.

January's been off to a better start, but I'm still not as focused as I was a few months ago. There's been so much going on in my life right now, and while most of it is good, there are lots of things to think about and do. We're waiting to hear about a possible move back to Ohio, which is exciting, but scary, too. My work has been almost non-stop, but there's now a possibility that my best/favorite job may stop. I'm praying it doesn't.

My youngest daughter is having issues in Pre-K, but those are getting under control.

I'm running my kids around to all their activities, trying to get the house ready to possibly sell, working and just the "normal stuff" that goes on in a family.

Yeah, crazy.

But, somehow, I've managed to not totally throw myself off the wagon. I haven't had a major binge in forever (oh, a few meals have been less than stellar, i.e. my McD's trip yesterday). But, I've never tossed it all and said, "Screw it".

I'm getting closer to my next 10% and that is inspiring to me. However, I've set one major goal for my WLJ in 2007:

52.2 lbs in 52 weeks

Ok, well that technically started the last week of December. If I meet that goal (and so far, my average weekly loss is on track), I will be in ONEDERLAND by New Year's Eve.

Wow.

That's something to remember when I want to stuff my face.

Oh, there's new pics in my photo album. I don't see a big difference since the last group, but Jon says I'm crazy.

Tell me something I don't know, babe.

Until next week!

I am beautiful...

Ok, so my family and I went to visit DH's family and some of our friends from Ohio this past August. It was a good trip and we all had a good time. When I was there, I was already down...oh, just under 50 lbs by then since March. I felt good and thought I looked pretty good.

Other than a few of my friends, no one in Jon's family really said anything. I figured, well, I have a long way to go, so yeah, no big deal.

Fast forward to this weekend. Jon and I arrive in Ohio again for a family funeral and I have heard so much gushing about how great I look, how beautiful I look.

At first, I thought, I haven't lost that much since August. (Ok, it's close to 20 more pounds...)

But, when I looked at pictures from the wedding, I was like, Oh MY GOD! I look totally different than I did in August.

I accepted all the compliments with grace and a smile and a big thank you.

And, I felt really good.

I still have a long way to go--and the past few weeks have had me fighting with the same 3 to 5 pounds, but I'm still going in the right direction.

The entire weekend I kept track, made good choices: except for last night, which was Jon's and I last night here and a rare quiet meal between the two of us. I didn't go crazy, but ate more than I usually do. I felt it last night, but am much better today.

I felt bad, at first, for not keeping closer track or not just ordering a salad. But, what I've come away with this weekend is this: this is my life, one meal does not make a big difference. It may on the scale for Thursday (and, yeah, I'll be pissed, I'm sure, when I see a gain). But, two weeks from now, the damage of that meal will be long gone.

Maybe I am letting go--a little--to that all or nothing mentality. :)