Updated stats show another good loss this week, in spite of eating a lot last night (but still OP--barely! LOL).
Very close to -40 and leaving the next "decade" (10 pound bracket) behind me.
Here's the decades I've already left in the past:
320's (only had to lose .6 to leave this decade, but still...:) )
310's
300's
290's
3 more pounds until I can kiss goodbye to the 280's!
I have my yearly checkup today. I'm hoping my BP is down and am eager to share my progress with my DR. Last time I was there--when I was really sick around the holidays--I was at my highest weight. It will be a little easier to step on the scale today, although I know it will be higher there, dr.'s scale always is! I'll post about my visit later today!
Off to drink some water and do some free weights before cleaning the house, getting kids around and heading to my appt!
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Friday, June 23, 2006
More than a 12-step program.
Time for an introduction.
My name is Marie and I'm a foodaholic.
[insert group response of "Hi Marie!" here*]
I never thought I'd be in a position of being an addict. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His disease destroyed his life and made the family's a roller coaster ride from hell at times. He died at the ripe old age of 55 because of his addiction. I swore up and down that I would never be like my father. My clever solution to the problem was to simply avoid alcohol. It never thrilled me anyway, and I figured why chance it? I saw it kind of like playing with fire.
But, after 35 years of living, and more than half of that with an addict in the household, I may have discovered that when experts say that alcoholism runs in the family, it's not the alcohol that's the issue. It's the behavior patterns that cause a person to take on an addictive personality.
In other words, I ran like hell away from booze...and straight into the eager, awaiting arms of food.
Food and alcohol aren't inherently bad for us--it's how people abuse it that causes so many problems.
When food is used as a crutch during times of stress, when it's a substitute for dealing with one's problems or feelings, eating has gone beyond a way to sustain life and makes an ominous shift. Instead, it becomes something that can slowly choke the life out of a person who doesn't know when or how to stop. For over 15 years, food wasn't a means of taking care of myself; it was my way of coping with life.
Food addiction is especially challenging compared to other dependencies. I don't say that lightly, because I've seen the ugly side of other addictions. However, neither alcohol nor other drugs are not things that people need in order to survive. Humans need to eat. They don't need to drink beer, mainline smack or smoke a doobie (although once addicted, I know it does become a physical need, in a sense). Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts can avoid their vices. Foodaholics, like me, actually have to go to stores full of potential triggers.
Since I started making a conscious decision to avoid following my father's footsteps into an early grave, my challenge has been to figure out ways to take control over the food so that I can co-exist with it peacefully, without having it and its fat cell friends taking up more residence in my butt, thighs and belly. Eating is something I think about constantly. Before, my thoughts were simply about the next time I would eat--and waiting was impossible. Today, I still think about food all the time, but now it's making sure that I'm only eating when I NEED to and not because I HAVE to. It sounds strange, I know, but there is a subtle difference.
Many recovering addicts have little sayings to help keep them anchored and focused during the challenging times. Typically, I'm not into cliches. For instance, if I see "Food doesn't taste as good as being thin feels." I call a resounding 'BULLSHIT' on that one. Anyone who has ever savored a favorite food would debate that point until the sun rises and sets. There's a great quote from my all-time favorite show, The West Wing. Leo McGarry, the White House Cheif of Staff, is a recovering alocohic who fell off the wagon a few times. His description of addiction should be gospel to those of us who fight dependency every day:
It's all in the details, isn't it? I associate eating with the emotions it elicits. That is addicition in its purest form. Leo's reflection is me--just substitute snack food for scotch.
My anchoring phrase is a question: "Is it worth it?" Some days, having the ice cream or extra slice of pizza is worth it--it's worth doing a little excerise to counteract it. But, I know now that I control what goes into my body and how I deal with it. Eating is no longer a passive experience for me. But, over the past 12 weeks, there have been more days when the answer to "Is it worth it?" has been. "Not today."
Because there is always tomorrow. The food will still be there, waiting for us. It ain't going anywhere until I take it there. Yeah, I like being the one in control.
My name is Marie and I'm a foodaholic.
[insert group response of "Hi Marie!" here*]
I never thought I'd be in a position of being an addict. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His disease destroyed his life and made the family's a roller coaster ride from hell at times. He died at the ripe old age of 55 because of his addiction. I swore up and down that I would never be like my father. My clever solution to the problem was to simply avoid alcohol. It never thrilled me anyway, and I figured why chance it? I saw it kind of like playing with fire.
But, after 35 years of living, and more than half of that with an addict in the household, I may have discovered that when experts say that alcoholism runs in the family, it's not the alcohol that's the issue. It's the behavior patterns that cause a person to take on an addictive personality.
In other words, I ran like hell away from booze...and straight into the eager, awaiting arms of food.
Food and alcohol aren't inherently bad for us--it's how people abuse it that causes so many problems.
When food is used as a crutch during times of stress, when it's a substitute for dealing with one's problems or feelings, eating has gone beyond a way to sustain life and makes an ominous shift. Instead, it becomes something that can slowly choke the life out of a person who doesn't know when or how to stop. For over 15 years, food wasn't a means of taking care of myself; it was my way of coping with life.
Food addiction is especially challenging compared to other dependencies. I don't say that lightly, because I've seen the ugly side of other addictions. However, neither alcohol nor other drugs are not things that people need in order to survive. Humans need to eat. They don't need to drink beer, mainline smack or smoke a doobie (although once addicted, I know it does become a physical need, in a sense). Recovering alcoholics and drug addicts can avoid their vices. Foodaholics, like me, actually have to go to stores full of potential triggers.
Since I started making a conscious decision to avoid following my father's footsteps into an early grave, my challenge has been to figure out ways to take control over the food so that I can co-exist with it peacefully, without having it and its fat cell friends taking up more residence in my butt, thighs and belly. Eating is something I think about constantly. Before, my thoughts were simply about the next time I would eat--and waiting was impossible. Today, I still think about food all the time, but now it's making sure that I'm only eating when I NEED to and not because I HAVE to. It sounds strange, I know, but there is a subtle difference.
Many recovering addicts have little sayings to help keep them anchored and focused during the challenging times. Typically, I'm not into cliches. For instance, if I see "Food doesn't taste as good as being thin feels." I call a resounding 'BULLSHIT' on that one. Anyone who has ever savored a favorite food would debate that point until the sun rises and sets. There's a great quote from my all-time favorite show, The West Wing. Leo McGarry, the White House Cheif of Staff, is a recovering alocohic who fell off the wagon a few times. His description of addiction should be gospel to those of us who fight dependency every day:
"I like the little things, the way a glass feels in your hand, a good
glass, thick with a heavy base. I love the sound an ice cube makes when you drop it from just the right height. Too high and it'll chip when you drop it. Chip the ice and it'll melt too fast in the Scotch. I'm an alcoholic, I don't have one drink. I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this?"
It's all in the details, isn't it? I associate eating with the emotions it elicits. That is addicition in its purest form. Leo's reflection is me--just substitute snack food for scotch.
My anchoring phrase is a question: "Is it worth it?" Some days, having the ice cream or extra slice of pizza is worth it--it's worth doing a little excerise to counteract it. But, I know now that I control what goes into my body and how I deal with it. Eating is no longer a passive experience for me. But, over the past 12 weeks, there have been more days when the answer to "Is it worth it?" has been. "Not today."
Because there is always tomorrow. The food will still be there, waiting for us. It ain't going anywhere until I take it there. Yeah, I like being the one in control.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Weigh-In Thursday
Down another 2.8--and just a hair over a total of 35 lbs.
Wow.
I keep waiting for this not to work, for the numbers to go up. I'm not sure why I think that way. Lord knows I'm eating better, moving more and have days where I'd rather be eating a chocolate bar than fruit for a snack...
Yet, I keep seeing success at the scale. Sweet victory!
I have yet to figure out a good reward for milestones that aren't food related! LOL. I passed my 10% last week and didn't do anything for that. I have approx 14.9 pounds until I hit 50 lobs, so I think maybe I'll wait until then.
But, a baby back rib dinner sounds pretty damn good, too.
Some things never change, I guess.
Wow.
I keep waiting for this not to work, for the numbers to go up. I'm not sure why I think that way. Lord knows I'm eating better, moving more and have days where I'd rather be eating a chocolate bar than fruit for a snack...
Yet, I keep seeing success at the scale. Sweet victory!
I have yet to figure out a good reward for milestones that aren't food related! LOL. I passed my 10% last week and didn't do anything for that. I have approx 14.9 pounds until I hit 50 lobs, so I think maybe I'll wait until then.
But, a baby back rib dinner sounds pretty damn good, too.
Some things never change, I guess.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
A couple of months ago, I had a blast getting back on the stage and performing on one of theater's most influential musicals: "Oklahoma!" There's a particular piece from the show that really hits home with me:
Rogers and Hammerstein, "Oklahoma!"
Some people call it perfectionism or the need for overachievement, while others may think it's being anal retentive. But, for me, it's simply a case of having an all or nothing mentality--and it is something that touches almost every part of my life.
When I decide to do something, it is because I feel ready to conquer it head on, no turning back, no stopping me. I've always believed that if I'm going to take the time to do something, it has to be right.
However, it turns out that I've been setting myself up for failure all along.
The truth is that in life, there are few things that are clearly right and clearly wrong. The big things (like murder and other things that cause bodily or emotional harm) are pretty cut and dry. It is the day-to-day details of our lives that cause the most problems. With so many choices about what we should or should not do, it is inevitable that bad choices are going to be made from time to time.
My issue has always been this: if I make a bad choice along a chosen path, I just pick up all my marbles and go home. Game over. I've failed.
But, the real failure isn't in making one bad decision; the TRUE failure is the next decision of quitting just because I screwed up once. I'm not sure how many times I've started this weight loss journey, but I think that if I could earn frequent flier miles based on that number, I'd be in Hawaii on someone else's dime by now. In my previous trips, I've gotten to about the point where I'm at now, about 3 months along and then something happens: I have a day where I can't stop shoving food in my mouth for whatever reason and all hell breaks loose. My brain has this switch that plays a recording:
You messed up! Boy are you stupid! What are you doing? *insert LOOONG Pause and then...* Well, since you blew it, you're done, might as well just forget about the whole thing.
Nice, huh?
Each time I failed to keep looking forward, I gained the weight back and more on top of it. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Mistakes happen in spite of all my preparations and hard work. So far, I've been in control, but I know there will be a time where I lose it: a so-so/bad weigh in, a huge meal or one too many snacks for no other reason than I WANT IT NOW.
The new recording I'm working in as a replacement to the old one is this: Is one bad decision worth throwing away the countless good ones I made?
How can I answer no to that one?
I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me and I'm tired of the stress of trying to be "right" all of the time. As long as I keep my focus on the road ahead and not where I started (except as a measure of how far I've come...), even the bad choices won't slow me down too much.
Now, if I can just carry that over to the rest of my life, maybe the emotional eating habit will go away! :)
With me, it's all or nuthin'
Is it all or nuthin' with you?
It can't be in between
It can't be now and then
No half and half romance will do...
Rogers and Hammerstein, "Oklahoma!"
Some people call it perfectionism or the need for overachievement, while others may think it's being anal retentive. But, for me, it's simply a case of having an all or nothing mentality--and it is something that touches almost every part of my life.
When I decide to do something, it is because I feel ready to conquer it head on, no turning back, no stopping me. I've always believed that if I'm going to take the time to do something, it has to be right.
However, it turns out that I've been setting myself up for failure all along.
The truth is that in life, there are few things that are clearly right and clearly wrong. The big things (like murder and other things that cause bodily or emotional harm) are pretty cut and dry. It is the day-to-day details of our lives that cause the most problems. With so many choices about what we should or should not do, it is inevitable that bad choices are going to be made from time to time.
My issue has always been this: if I make a bad choice along a chosen path, I just pick up all my marbles and go home. Game over. I've failed.
But, the real failure isn't in making one bad decision; the TRUE failure is the next decision of quitting just because I screwed up once. I'm not sure how many times I've started this weight loss journey, but I think that if I could earn frequent flier miles based on that number, I'd be in Hawaii on someone else's dime by now. In my previous trips, I've gotten to about the point where I'm at now, about 3 months along and then something happens: I have a day where I can't stop shoving food in my mouth for whatever reason and all hell breaks loose. My brain has this switch that plays a recording:
You messed up! Boy are you stupid! What are you doing? *insert LOOONG Pause and then...* Well, since you blew it, you're done, might as well just forget about the whole thing.
Nice, huh?
Each time I failed to keep looking forward, I gained the weight back and more on top of it. Not exactly a recipe for success.
Mistakes happen in spite of all my preparations and hard work. So far, I've been in control, but I know there will be a time where I lose it: a so-so/bad weigh in, a huge meal or one too many snacks for no other reason than I WANT IT NOW.
The new recording I'm working in as a replacement to the old one is this: Is one bad decision worth throwing away the countless good ones I made?
How can I answer no to that one?
I have a lifetime of choices ahead of me and I'm tired of the stress of trying to be "right" all of the time. As long as I keep my focus on the road ahead and not where I started (except as a measure of how far I've come...), even the bad choices won't slow me down too much.
Now, if I can just carry that over to the rest of my life, maybe the emotional eating habit will go away! :)
Now here's a diet that's different...
A quick shout-out to one of my favorite bloggers/column authors. Mike Todd is fantastic and if you haven't checked out his work, you need to! This week, his column is a classic example of how to approach dieting with a sense of humor:
Doggie Donuts
Not that I'm dieting, of course! Remember, it is a lifestyle change! ;)
Doggie Donuts
Not that I'm dieting, of course! Remember, it is a lifestyle change! ;)
Thursday, June 15, 2006
One down, ?? to go
You may have noticed some odd changes in my progress chart. My middle number there has jumped up to 28.8 lbs from a paltry 1.5. I passed my first 10% lost today!! (with a total loss, so far, of 32.3 lobs!) So, I made sure to set my next "big" goal: my next 10%. That's about as big a picture as I can handle right now.
What's also nice about breaking this journey down into 10% increments is that each one gets a little shorter as I go along. For my first 10%, I had to lose 32 pounds--which at the start of this adventure seemed like a lifetime away. This time around, it's "only" 28.8 pounds. If I did the 32 pounds, the 28.8 is definitely doable.
It's around this time in the weight loss journey that people may start asking: "What is your ultimate goal?" My honest answer is, "I don't know." Based on the expert charts, I'm supposed to weigh no more than 155 lbs. Now, the last time I weighed that, I was in high school. I'm not sure if that is a realistic expectation. I will be consulting with my doctor in August when I have my annual check up, and oh will she be surprised when she sees so much less of me this time!!! ;) I've been thinking a lot about the ultimate goal lately and it just doesn't feel right to set a specific number. For now, I've come to a compromise. I'd like to get to the weight I was when I was married almost 10 years ago, which was around 200-210 pounds. Here's a picture to show you what that looked like. Once I reach that point, I believe that will be the right time to make some major decisions about how much farther I want to go. But, once I start going down that track, I get that sense that I'm trying to wrap too much around my poor brain. That's why mI'm sticking with 10%s as my major goals. It's significant, yet attainable, which are two must haves for any goal.
I think this kind of thinking also fits in with my decision that this will be a lifelong journey and not just a diet. Even when I hit that final goal weight, the journey isn't over. It will be harder to keep the weight off than it was to lose it...
What's also nice about breaking this journey down into 10% increments is that each one gets a little shorter as I go along. For my first 10%, I had to lose 32 pounds--which at the start of this adventure seemed like a lifetime away. This time around, it's "only" 28.8 pounds. If I did the 32 pounds, the 28.8 is definitely doable.
It's around this time in the weight loss journey that people may start asking: "What is your ultimate goal?" My honest answer is, "I don't know." Based on the expert charts, I'm supposed to weigh no more than 155 lbs. Now, the last time I weighed that, I was in high school. I'm not sure if that is a realistic expectation. I will be consulting with my doctor in August when I have my annual check up, and oh will she be surprised when she sees so much less of me this time!!! ;) I've been thinking a lot about the ultimate goal lately and it just doesn't feel right to set a specific number. For now, I've come to a compromise. I'd like to get to the weight I was when I was married almost 10 years ago, which was around 200-210 pounds. Here's a picture to show you what that looked like. Once I reach that point, I believe that will be the right time to make some major decisions about how much farther I want to go. But, once I start going down that track, I get that sense that I'm trying to wrap too much around my poor brain. That's why mI'm sticking with 10%s as my major goals. It's significant, yet attainable, which are two must haves for any goal.
I think this kind of thinking also fits in with my decision that this will be a lifelong journey and not just a diet. Even when I hit that final goal weight, the journey isn't over. It will be harder to keep the weight off than it was to lose it...
Friday, June 09, 2006
Driven to distraction
I have yet to understand those people who say that they love to exercise. There are a number of people on the boards I participate in who claim that they can't go a day without going to the gym, climbing some mountain or running a freakin' marathon. I realize that I am still very early in my weight loss journey, but even when I was slimmer and in shape, typical exercise wasn't something I'd bounce out of bed in the morning for and say, "Oh my God, I gotta go do a lap around my town today!"
I know I need to get up and move more. However, none of my exercising experiences (at least in the 'traditional' way most people refer to it) have convinced me that I'll be changing my food addiction for a working-out one anytime soon. There is no one particular exercise catastrophe that has led to this aversion, and I'm sure that it is a great thing. And, it obviously works for the majority of people.
I have discovered, though, that as I get older, a certain kind of ADD has taken over. I find most traditional exercise BORING AS HELL. Break a sweat? That's fine. Push that heart rate to the point where I feel like I have an African drumming ensemble pounding away in my chest, yeah, I'm good with that. I just can't get into the repetition that comes with jumping on a treadmill, recumbant bike or any other piece of equipment (and, don't even get me started on that damn elliptical machine, because I am convinced that it got its start in a dark room somewhere as a new age torture device. I'd like to meet the person who brought this gadget to the workout world and give them a smack upside the head. Experts claim that it is a low impact workout that burns calories more efficiently. That's great, but if I'm dead after a little over 5 minutes on it, it really won't matter that I burned 500 calories. I'll choose another form of "low impact" activity, thanks.)
See, there's that exercise ADD again...
Back to my point, which is activity needs to be something more than going to a gym or running. I like, no need, to change things up. That is why any gym membership I've had usually goes to waste by month two or three. The newness simply wears off and the only motivation left is for me to make a drive-thru run on my way home from the gym to liven my up my day. I think that is what is called counterproductive.
Right now, I do walk, because it is something that this big ol body can handle. But even that gets boring after a while. I've even tried creating various playlists on my Ipod to help liven things up, but eventually, it's all just walking around to the beat of my own drummer. I've also discovered that just because I happen to like a certain song or playlist, doesn't mean that others want to hear it sung badly as I cruise by them.
Once in a while, I enjoy swimming, too. Let's be real here, though. How many people my size enjoy going out in public in a bathing suit? Count me out of that statistic. Still, I suck it up because it really is a great workout and sweating isn't a big deal because I'm already soaked. Now that summer is just about here, I will add this to my list of activities.
Once my body gets more in-tuned with this daily activity thing, I hope to get back to something that I really enjoyed doing and burns a ton of calories: dance. Even as a moderately plus-sized gal, I could move with the best of them. I loved taking classes and even partnered up with my instructor as 1/2 of a pro-am competition team. Now, dance WAS an addiction for me. Fortunately, it was something that my DH enjoyed doing with me, up to a point. What he didn't like doing in class, he allowed me to continue learning with my teacher and was biggest cheerleader.
Today, it's not so pretty. I still got rhythm, but it's just harder to move the body to the beat.
Before I can perfect those dance steps, though, I gotta keep up with these babysteps back to an active lifestyle. The only way I'm going to accomplish that is to keep finding things that interest me and pacify my distracted mind long enough so I can work up a good sweat.
Guess I should schedule a time today for a walk....
or some weights...
or a swim...
or...
what was I saying again??
I know I need to get up and move more. However, none of my exercising experiences (at least in the 'traditional' way most people refer to it) have convinced me that I'll be changing my food addiction for a working-out one anytime soon. There is no one particular exercise catastrophe that has led to this aversion, and I'm sure that it is a great thing. And, it obviously works for the majority of people.
I have discovered, though, that as I get older, a certain kind of ADD has taken over. I find most traditional exercise BORING AS HELL. Break a sweat? That's fine. Push that heart rate to the point where I feel like I have an African drumming ensemble pounding away in my chest, yeah, I'm good with that. I just can't get into the repetition that comes with jumping on a treadmill, recumbant bike or any other piece of equipment (and, don't even get me started on that damn elliptical machine, because I am convinced that it got its start in a dark room somewhere as a new age torture device. I'd like to meet the person who brought this gadget to the workout world and give them a smack upside the head. Experts claim that it is a low impact workout that burns calories more efficiently. That's great, but if I'm dead after a little over 5 minutes on it, it really won't matter that I burned 500 calories. I'll choose another form of "low impact" activity, thanks.)
See, there's that exercise ADD again...
Back to my point, which is activity needs to be something more than going to a gym or running. I like, no need, to change things up. That is why any gym membership I've had usually goes to waste by month two or three. The newness simply wears off and the only motivation left is for me to make a drive-thru run on my way home from the gym to liven my up my day. I think that is what is called counterproductive.
Right now, I do walk, because it is something that this big ol body can handle. But even that gets boring after a while. I've even tried creating various playlists on my Ipod to help liven things up, but eventually, it's all just walking around to the beat of my own drummer. I've also discovered that just because I happen to like a certain song or playlist, doesn't mean that others want to hear it sung badly as I cruise by them.
Once in a while, I enjoy swimming, too. Let's be real here, though. How many people my size enjoy going out in public in a bathing suit? Count me out of that statistic. Still, I suck it up because it really is a great workout and sweating isn't a big deal because I'm already soaked. Now that summer is just about here, I will add this to my list of activities.
Once my body gets more in-tuned with this daily activity thing, I hope to get back to something that I really enjoyed doing and burns a ton of calories: dance. Even as a moderately plus-sized gal, I could move with the best of them. I loved taking classes and even partnered up with my instructor as 1/2 of a pro-am competition team. Now, dance WAS an addiction for me. Fortunately, it was something that my DH enjoyed doing with me, up to a point. What he didn't like doing in class, he allowed me to continue learning with my teacher and was biggest cheerleader.
Today, it's not so pretty. I still got rhythm, but it's just harder to move the body to the beat.
Before I can perfect those dance steps, though, I gotta keep up with these babysteps back to an active lifestyle. The only way I'm going to accomplish that is to keep finding things that interest me and pacify my distracted mind long enough so I can work up a good sweat.
Guess I should schedule a time today for a walk....
or some weights...
or a swim...
or...
what was I saying again??
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Ain't that a shame
Being big doesn't matter. I'm well-educated, have a damn good sense of humor; what else do I need? I never considered myself a good-looking girl, anyway, so what was the difference? I never got ahead in life by my appearance. It's what inside that counts most.
Even adults wish that fairy tales could come true.
I still believe that what someone feels, believes and is able to express is the essence of who she is. However, no matter how much anyone denies it, we all judge a book by its cover. In my case, I worked incredibly hard not to judge others, and found it amazingly easy to judge myself based on my appearance. Once the shame settled in, I did everything I could to push it down; I didn't want to deal with it. Somedays, it would rear its ugly head as a food binge. Other times, it would simmer just below the surface, lurking quietly, ready to strike without warning.
Shame is our conscience's way of letting us know we've done something wrong. I knew that eating two (or three or four) helpings of something wasn't a good thing. Remember, I'm not stupid. But all I wanted to do was numb the shame inside and eating worked well in that capacity. So, the shame grew right along with my waistline. It became a viscious cycle that I rode for years. In spite of my awareness of the damage I was doing, somewhere in my brain, I figured it was just easier to stay on the neverending ride rather than put on the brakes.
My eating mentality and shame were perfect partners. They are co-dependents, enablers of each other, if you will. Shame fed on my low self-esteem--a bottomless pit always looking to hide itself away so that it would never really disappear, but keep just out of sight enough to not cripple me. As the shame ate away at my self-worth, I looked to fill the holes it chomped away within me. The fatter I got, the more my self-esteem bottomed out, the more my self-esteem withered, the more I ate; you get the picture.
Shame was determined to win. Whenever I thought I wanted to fight the battle, it put up incredible defenses: "Eating feels so much better.", "You have so much to lose, you can never do that." or, worst of all, "If you try this, you're admitting you have a problem, that you've screwed up your life." Emotions are silent, except for within our own brains. Oh, it yelled loud and clear in my head, until I caved in yet again.
How have I started to win the battle against the shame I feel at being fat? Facing it head on. Acceptance is freeing. Admitting that I am obese, that I caused it and that I'm the only one who can change it was my first showdown with shame. Stepping out of the shame's shadow sucks all of its power away. Once I acknowledged my situation, I knew that my next step was to accept it, not pass judgment and move on. This is my daily battle now. Most days, I have the advantage. Each day that I make decisions about what or how I stuff my face based on what I want to achieve and not how I feel at that moment gives me the upper hand. There are still days where shame pushes back--it isn't giving up without a good fight.
The difference now, though, is that when shame tries to push me around, I push back.
I figure I might as well use my weight to my advantage for once.
Even adults wish that fairy tales could come true.
I still believe that what someone feels, believes and is able to express is the essence of who she is. However, no matter how much anyone denies it, we all judge a book by its cover. In my case, I worked incredibly hard not to judge others, and found it amazingly easy to judge myself based on my appearance. Once the shame settled in, I did everything I could to push it down; I didn't want to deal with it. Somedays, it would rear its ugly head as a food binge. Other times, it would simmer just below the surface, lurking quietly, ready to strike without warning.
Shame is our conscience's way of letting us know we've done something wrong. I knew that eating two (or three or four) helpings of something wasn't a good thing. Remember, I'm not stupid. But all I wanted to do was numb the shame inside and eating worked well in that capacity. So, the shame grew right along with my waistline. It became a viscious cycle that I rode for years. In spite of my awareness of the damage I was doing, somewhere in my brain, I figured it was just easier to stay on the neverending ride rather than put on the brakes.
My eating mentality and shame were perfect partners. They are co-dependents, enablers of each other, if you will. Shame fed on my low self-esteem--a bottomless pit always looking to hide itself away so that it would never really disappear, but keep just out of sight enough to not cripple me. As the shame ate away at my self-worth, I looked to fill the holes it chomped away within me. The fatter I got, the more my self-esteem bottomed out, the more my self-esteem withered, the more I ate; you get the picture.
Shame was determined to win. Whenever I thought I wanted to fight the battle, it put up incredible defenses: "Eating feels so much better.", "You have so much to lose, you can never do that." or, worst of all, "If you try this, you're admitting you have a problem, that you've screwed up your life." Emotions are silent, except for within our own brains. Oh, it yelled loud and clear in my head, until I caved in yet again.
How have I started to win the battle against the shame I feel at being fat? Facing it head on. Acceptance is freeing. Admitting that I am obese, that I caused it and that I'm the only one who can change it was my first showdown with shame. Stepping out of the shame's shadow sucks all of its power away. Once I acknowledged my situation, I knew that my next step was to accept it, not pass judgment and move on. This is my daily battle now. Most days, I have the advantage. Each day that I make decisions about what or how I stuff my face based on what I want to achieve and not how I feel at that moment gives me the upper hand. There are still days where shame pushes back--it isn't giving up without a good fight.
The difference now, though, is that when shame tries to push me around, I push back.
I figure I might as well use my weight to my advantage for once.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
A picture is worth...
Believing is not always in the seeing. I hate getting my picture taken and the bigger I got, the more I hid.
I know I can't run and hide any more.
So, in order to stay accountable and because I'm all about honesty, you will find progress pictures posted on the sidebar. I plan on updating them once a month: for better, for worse--well, you get the idea.
I haven't noticed much of a difference in the pictures currently posted, which documents about 9 weeks on plan. But, with such a long way to go, it's going to take a while to see the outward changes.
I also will need to get rid of the mental image of being a fat person. I suppose that is one of the good things about this goal taking a long time. It's going to take that long to change the way I see myself.
Go check out the pictures at your leisure. New ones will be posted the last Thursday of each month.
I know I can't run and hide any more.
So, in order to stay accountable and because I'm all about honesty, you will find progress pictures posted on the sidebar. I plan on updating them once a month: for better, for worse--well, you get the idea.
I haven't noticed much of a difference in the pictures currently posted, which documents about 9 weeks on plan. But, with such a long way to go, it's going to take a while to see the outward changes.
I also will need to get rid of the mental image of being a fat person. I suppose that is one of the good things about this goal taking a long time. It's going to take that long to change the way I see myself.
Go check out the pictures at your leisure. New ones will be posted the last Thursday of each month.
The Nitty Gritty
What's my story? I'm morbidly obese. There's nothing like cutting through all the crap and getting down to basic facts. I was a skinny kid and a curvy (but healthy) teen. College started the upward climb and once I had kids, that was it...It's not an excuse: my kids didn't make me fat. I did.
When I started this journey almost 10 weeks ago, I weighed 320.5 lbs.
It's taken me over 8 years to figure out what I needed to do to change that fact. No, I've always known what I needed to do, but I just didn't have the courage to face facts about what I had become. Finally, I realized a few things:
I don't want to die young.
I want to feel healthy and take care of myself. I'm setting an example for two beautiful girls, after all.
I want to enjoy my husband and my kids.
But, most of all, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. Sound shallow? Ok, it might be, but I'm tired of letting my self-esteem being dictated by the reflection looking back at me.
I've tried before to do this and have had various amounts of success. However, after only a few weeks, I'd decide that the road was to long to travel and say, "Why Bother?"
Why bother? Because I'm worth it. And, it's my time now...
It hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'll fall on my face plenty of times. And you'll all be there to see it.
It will be a learning experience, for sure. I'll share whatever I learn with you, and maybe you can share your wisdom with me.
Enjoy the ride!
When I started this journey almost 10 weeks ago, I weighed 320.5 lbs.
It's taken me over 8 years to figure out what I needed to do to change that fact. No, I've always known what I needed to do, but I just didn't have the courage to face facts about what I had become. Finally, I realized a few things:
I don't want to die young.
I want to feel healthy and take care of myself. I'm setting an example for two beautiful girls, after all.
I want to enjoy my husband and my kids.
But, most of all, I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. Sound shallow? Ok, it might be, but I'm tired of letting my self-esteem being dictated by the reflection looking back at me.
I've tried before to do this and have had various amounts of success. However, after only a few weeks, I'd decide that the road was to long to travel and say, "Why Bother?"
Why bother? Because I'm worth it. And, it's my time now...
It hasn't been easy. I'm sure I'll fall on my face plenty of times. And you'll all be there to see it.
It will be a learning experience, for sure. I'll share whatever I learn with you, and maybe you can share your wisdom with me.
Enjoy the ride!
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